Today is five years since the world lost Gabbie. This day will forever be a day filled with sadness and grief. I know everyone will tell me, “Think of the good times! She wouldn’t want you to be sad.” I think of the good times 364 days of the year, I deserve one day to sulk in the sad and miss my best friend. I am not entirely sure what the purpose of this entry is other than to get what I am feeling out. Maybe also to document the morning we lost Gabbie because I am so scared that one day I will forget.
Five years is often seen as a “milestone” anniversary. There are even certain things you can’t do in the suicide prevention community until it has been 5 years since your loss. This never made sense to me, five years have gone by but I am still in the beginning stages of my grief. I think this goes along the lines of ‘time heals wounds” which has some truth to it. However, I still miss Gabbie the same as I did year 1.
I will never forget the morning of January 26th 2015. From being woken up at 4:00 AM to frightened mutual friends of Gabbie. To waking my parents and forcing my dad to drive me to Gabbie’s house immediately. I remember it was snowing, not too heavy but enough where we shouldn’t have been driving as fast as we were. My dad didn’t care - Gabbie was a fourth daughter to him he wanted to make sure she was okay as much as I did.
Once we arrived at Gabbie’s house I lost track of time. I pictured banging on Gabbie’s bedroom door and she would open it with, “What’s wrong? I’m fine.” I needed her to answer the door. The following 5 or 6 hours at Gabbie’s house are a blur. I remember the police officers and I could tell they were uncomfortable. They had to do their job but at the same time were trying their best to be sympathetic. I thank them for that.
I remember how close I felt to Gabbie’s family. We were all in this together, even though the loss of losing a best friend doesn’t compare to losing a daughter. I thank them for allowing me to plan a memorial, and get her a special spot to mourn. At times I felt I was overstepping but they always reassured me I had nothing to worry about.
Dad, thank you for being with me that morning. I can confidently say I couldn’t have made it this far without your understanding. Thank you for not being afraid to talk about that morning with me. Thank you for answering all my questions as I can’t remember certain parts due to my brain blocking them out. Thank you for praying over me and giving me strength when I couldn’t find it myself.
To the friends of Gabbie, thank you for keeping her spirit alive. Thank you for participating in the things we had planned in her remembrance. I will never forget getting up in front of you all in the middle school auditorium and speaking from the heart. Seeing how many people Gabbie had impacted and how much love you all had for her was inspiring. (Also to this day I cannot remember what I said I was so scared to speak). Thank you to those who came to the lantern release and candle light vigil, you give me hope that Gabbie will never be forgotten.
To every person friend and family who has supported me the past five years I give my biggest thank you to you. I am privileged enough to say I had the most amazing support system. You never got tired of hearing about Gabbie, some of you even ask questions and it makes me feel heard.
To anyone who can’t seem to find a reason to stay, let this be it. You are valid. You are special. You are loved. I promise you whatever you are feeling, no matter how terrible there is someone who will listen.
Enjoy your fifth year in heaven, Gab.
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