There are so many feelings that come with losing a loved one to suicide. Of course, there are the 5 stages of grief ; denial and isolation, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. It’s important to note that when you are experiencing loss you do not necessarily have to go through these stages in order. As well as there are no time constraints on these stages. I sometimes feel like people try to rush grief and it is so important that you allow yourself the proper time to feel all your feelings out.
I just want to preface that every loss is a loss. No matter how you lose someone it is a tragedy and I hope no one reading this feels that I am comparing losses because that is not at all what I am doing. I chose to write this blog to connect with people who are survivors of suicide loss - which IS a different kind of loss than losing someone to a terminal illness or car accident. However, I am NOT saying the pain is any worse or less - just that the emotions one may feel can differ.
With that being said, I want to talk about a stage of grief that I believe is unique to suicide loss survivors and isn’t addressed enough. GUILT. Oh my goodness the guilt that came after Gabbie passed - it was literally debilitating. Wrapping your head around the fact that someone you loved and cared for so much chose to end their time here on earth is just unimaginable.
I was on the phone with Gabbie just a few hours before the morning she took her life. We were venting about our mothers (even though they are amazing women, we were 14). It was going to be a snow day the next day so I talked about spending the day together - everything was fine. Around 1 am Gabbie had texted me and I woke up to texts of her just so upset. It was boy drama and I honestly thought nothing of it. We would wake up the next day and she would be fine - they would be fine, this happened often. I told her to go back to bed I would come get her in the morning - I don’t even remember falling back asleep.
At 4 am my phone was ringing - it was on vibrate so I still to this day don’t know how I woke up. It was mutual friends of Gabbie and I calling to ask if Gabbie was okay. I looked at my messages and notice one from Gabbie, I love you, I’m sorry.
I didn’t feel guilty as first - I personally experienced denial. I remember going into therapy a few weeks after Gabbie’s passing and just telling her I was fine. I’m lucky I had an amazing therapist who saw right through that. But the guilt hit me like a train after working through this pain.
What if I had woken up to Gabbie’s text?
What if I had called her when we were texting earlier that night?
What if I had driven over to her and just brought Ben & Jerrys?
What if I could have saved her?
I think the feeling of guilt eats you up so bad that you look to blame someone. Anyone. But who is there to blame? I know in my case I blamed someone who probably didn’t deserve it. But what was I supposed to do? I didn’t want to believe Gabbie would do this - no one wanted to. I carried that anger, blame, and pain for a very, very long time. I think probably up until I decided I wanted to write about this did I blame them. So, if that person is reading this now - know I don’t blame you anymore. Holding you accountable has caused too much pain and anger in my soul - I have to let that go.
After Gabbie passed I heard “God had other plans for her” so. many. times. I know they were saying that to try and make me feel better and I appreciate that. However, for me it was gaining the acceptance that this is what Gabbie wanted that has brought me peace. Not to say that guilt doesn't continue to creep up on me - it probably will for the rest of my life. But I have learned to believe that there is nothing that myself or anyone else could have done that night.
Live in peace, not pieces.
- Cat
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