How to feel comfortable calling someone "best friend" after yours passes away

The morning Gabbie took her life I remember very vividly whispering to her, “I promise I will never have another best friend.” I told myself over and over again that I could never and would never replace her. I thought that’s what she would want - for me to keep her memory alive by not allowing myself to get so close to another soul again.

Gabbie was one of a kind. I honestly in some ways think of her as my soul mate - not in a romantic way but in the way that our souls connected in a way that I personally have never felt with anyone else. Gabbie was the friend who while I was battling an eating disorder stayed up all night to write body positive messages on every mirror in my room. Gabbie made us a google docs account (again another night when I was sleeping because I always fell asleep first) of 5 different “Open when” messages to get me through my days. I mean I could go on and on about the selfless heart of gold that girl had. Gabbie was my person - so to think of allowing myself to have this kind of friendship with someone else honestly made me so anxious.

I remember when I started referring to my friends as my “best friends” and oh my, the guilt that followed. How could I allow myself to have a new best friend when I couldn’t keep my very best one alive. I felt I was replacing her…

But that wasn’t the case at all. It took me many months - maybe even a year or two to realize that I can keep Gabbie alive in my soul but also allow myself to have healthy and happy friendships. I finally realized that Gabbie would be so proud of my new best friends even if we only stayed so close for a few months - I was healing.

Recently I have been feeling like I have this urge to replace Gabbie. Find a friend who can do all those things that she once did for me and that isn’t fair to me, Gabbie, or the friends I’m hurting in the process. Maybe everyone only gets one Gabbie in their lifetime - and that’s okay. Would I have liked more time? Of course. But I am so happy to have had the time I did with Gabbie because she came into my life just when I needed her most. I just wish I could have reminded her of how amazing she truly was. So for anyone who’s reading - go tell the Gabbie in your life how important and needed they are.

Live in peace, not pieces.

- Cat