In the few years I had the pleasure of knowing Gabbie I can tell you she loved Christmas. Gabbie loved things so maybe that’s why. She loved new Uggs, Dunkin’ gift cards, infinity scarves, and $$$. She was a teenager, who didn’t? I like to think, what would Gabbie be getting this year for Christmas? Who would she be as 2019 comes to an end?
The last Christmas Gabbie was alive I was fortunate enough to spend with her. Christmas Eve my family and I all went to the Chinese buffet - the only place open at 9pm. My sister was pregnant so Gabbie made her eat pizza and ice cream all in one bite. It was hysterical. We went to 10 o’ clock mass and we sang - I think it was Gabbie’s first time in a real authentic Catholic church. She somehow made it through.
The next day early afternoon, she came back over. Her and another mutual friend and I left while my family began to cook Christmas day dinner. It was a warm Christmas, no snow, no need for a winter coat. We drove to a nearby lake - I have no idea why. I remember the sun shining so bright and us just taking pictures.. So many pictures.
We ate dinner and I was thankful. Just about a month prior Gabbie was in the hospital for mental health reasons so, I felt blessed that I could look to my left and she be at my dining room table. I was 16 and had my best friends on Christmas day, who gets to do that? That Christmas was fun and worry free, I think it’s the best Christmas to date.
Holidays without Gabbie are hard. I try to push through for my family’s sake and do everything we normally would. But Christmas eve mass just reminds me of Gabbie. Decorating our tree reminds me of the year Gabbie came over and her, my mom and I just went to town on making that tree Hallmark proud. It’s hard to believe in place of Gabbie we have an ornament to hang on our tree.
If I think too much about Gabbie not being here, the day will become dull and that’s not fair to myself or family. She may not be here physically but her spirit lives in each of us. After losing a loved one to suicide you have to figure out what your new normal looks like. Some of those traditions may be too hard to bear so you do something in its place.
My mom is supportive enough that she doesn’t force me to go to Christmas eve mass. Instead I’ll stay home and bake cookies or go to a different church for myself. I like to talk about Gabbie a lot during the holidays - especially thanksgiving because she loved Black Friday shopping. You may not want to talk about your loved one at all, and that’s okay. We all share stories and laugh about what Gabbie’s “must have” would be that year.
Remember to never allow someone to tell you how to grieve. You do as much or as little as you want/need to. It’s ok to cry at Christmas dinner or when opening presents. Don’t be afraid to feel. Feel happiness, sadness, anger, guilt, love. Never feel like you have to justify your emotions to anyone. Try to have hope this holiday season.
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